At A Loss

Well it’s about 11:30 now….I’m back at my mom’s house and well mom and sister are gone (now it’s midnight and they came back). To be honest I didn’t really expect them to go out this late, even if it was to someone’s house that’s about 10 minutes by drive. Of course my brother didn’t want to stay here with me, so he called my dad (no surprise there) and had him come over and get him. They just left, leaving me with a 5$ bill and a feeling of solitude.

And I don’t even care anymore.

For now almost seven months (tomorrows the 7th month anniversary, woot) these sorts of events have become far too easy to predict that it’s almost funny. No one will listen to me when I send out simple fair warnings and in the end all I can do is shake my head in a sad way and think “What’s the point anymore?”

I first wanted to move in with my mother because I felt that if I stayed around to help out she might straighten up a bit. I’m staring to think now it might have been a mistake. Though I’m somewhat regretting it now, nothing really seems to be improving around here, only falling more short. Was it because I thought I could TRY and do good, or my stupidity got in the way of my judgment? Did I honestly think that things would really improve?

I won’t go into the details of what happens but trust me; they would annoy/upset anyone with a good head on their shoulders. I think mine is rotting because I feel like a bad one.

Anyway

With that, I’ve been even tossed feelings of guilt about moving in with her, curtsey of my father. For weeks when we were alone or with my siblings, he would say all kinds of nasty things that sort of scared us then act like nothing is wrong a few minutes later and start joking around. Does that seem right to you? I understand how much he is hurting, but guess what, so are the rest of us. It has affected him really bad, but he does not need to express this sort of behavior around us.

Either way, I shouldn’t bother complaining. I don’t really have anywhere else to go otherwise, I’m forced with ‘either or’ for parents. I do appreciate the support I have been getting from everyone, but…is it too much to wish that someone would get me away from all of this?

I could say more, but I suck giving saying what I mean sometimes. All I can do is ask for advice: What else can I do to make things better for myself?

<3