So summer so far? Very pleasing. Getting away from certain worries until I have to return to them sometime in August, actually working and getting paid (first pay checks are a great beauty mind you, especially in an accound), and most of all healing. I won't entirely go into a rant of my angst and depression that I have been dealing with for the last two years, so I'll give the gist.
My parents divorced, yes. The corcumstances behind it were rather hurtful and shocking. It seems like every other week another lie that I've lived with has been brought to light. It takes two to tango I suppose. The point is, my parents have filled me with...nothing.
That's just it, I feel nothing toward them.
Now that I'm legal, it's good and bad in several ways. Good because I can keep my distance from them and they can't say crap. Bad because...well around them, I often fear for my safety. That part I won't go into period, there are thing that are tough to talk about. The buggers of thought like to eat at me, so I dissolve them into smoke and confinde them into the lovely glass bottle hidden in my center. Until I return to the once a home now just a house, I'll have to start planning my long awaited escape.
It has been a while since I've written in this blog, making me think now there is a random question that made itself known:
Why did I start The Yuna Files?
Good question, discovering blogging I found it rather fun. Reading and giving my own comments, it is fun. I've begun pouring a little of myself in here, hoping someone outside of my world will give a thought as well. The files of my mind under my alias, that's the best I can describe it.
Now for some excited Yuna moments.
I'm FINALLY getting my new laptop today! OMG I have never been this excited! I spent an our or so discussing differnet brands with one of the techs at work, and we finally picked out a total awesome machine. Quad proccessing, basic memory, but I plan on getting an external hardrive.
Soon I shall be communicating with with world from the newly named~
*fanfare*
Moogle V.2
Alright I'm done ^_^
Yuna, signing out <3
P.S. I started another blog, doing book reviews. That will defiently start up soon, so please stay tuned.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Oh The Wonder
Maybe it's just me, but lately I've been feeling....a little lost. I feel in control and at the same time I feel like I don't. My fight to be able to get a handle on the bigger issues is more or less a battle won (?). Just in this point in my life there are quite a few things that I am growing excited for:
- My summer job in Miami
- The fact I'm turning 18
- Another year at my faviorite convention
- The Creative Writing camp I'm attending
- And I'm going to be a senior in high school
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
In Hiding
Hahahaha don’t you love it when you can just be someplace where it is most definitely fun? Well I think I found the place. Today is turning out really better than it was earlier and here’s why:
I am in the Graphic Arts room, with a very cool teacher running it.
As it turns out the Teachers Aid program here got a major twist around. There are new rules that apparently are too much for most of the teachers to handle, hence why most don’t even have a student aid anymore. To top it all off, there aren’t even enough teachers to place the number of students because so many have dropped out of it. Needless to say, not many people are all that happy.
As for me I have been reassigned to our neighbor elementary school, but the paper work won’t be approved for another two weeks. What the fuck people, is there any reason to mess everything up for us? So until then I am to report to the teacher in charge of the program, she already has two others and two I’m guessing they/she don’t want to be around each other (pardon my grammar mistakes).
On second thought I really don’t want to bring a downer on myself at the moment. SO now I can just talk about the NOW. Mr. Barlow is a very interesting character, so fun to be around but if you mess up you had better be prepared. It’s all a matter of staying on his good side I suppose, I mean he seems to like me otherwise he probably wouldn’t let me hide out in the classroom for a while. Then again he is very nice to a lot of kids, so maybe he’s just that kind of relaxed teacher /shrugs.
Still it makes me sad to see what this guy has to go through sometimes. I’ve heard stories from the last few years and I just feel really bad. Last year most of the computers in the class were stolen and I still remember how upset everyone was. I was shocked of course (turns out it was only one student who did this), even so now I understand why. He really is good and he loves his job that much I can see. Yet there are those who just don’t get that sense of humor and are just….nasty.
It makes me sick that’s what it does; I see a lot of good and respected teachers here and just wish people weren’t so ignorant that’s all.
Well time for Environmental Science, I’m really glad I’m getting back to my blog.
This is Yuna signing out~
I am in the Graphic Arts room, with a very cool teacher running it.
As it turns out the Teachers Aid program here got a major twist around. There are new rules that apparently are too much for most of the teachers to handle, hence why most don’t even have a student aid anymore. To top it all off, there aren’t even enough teachers to place the number of students because so many have dropped out of it. Needless to say, not many people are all that happy.
As for me I have been reassigned to our neighbor elementary school, but the paper work won’t be approved for another two weeks. What the fuck people, is there any reason to mess everything up for us? So until then I am to report to the teacher in charge of the program, she already has two others and two I’m guessing they/she don’t want to be around each other (pardon my grammar mistakes).
On second thought I really don’t want to bring a downer on myself at the moment. SO now I can just talk about the NOW. Mr. Barlow is a very interesting character, so fun to be around but if you mess up you had better be prepared. It’s all a matter of staying on his good side I suppose, I mean he seems to like me otherwise he probably wouldn’t let me hide out in the classroom for a while. Then again he is very nice to a lot of kids, so maybe he’s just that kind of relaxed teacher /shrugs.
Still it makes me sad to see what this guy has to go through sometimes. I’ve heard stories from the last few years and I just feel really bad. Last year most of the computers in the class were stolen and I still remember how upset everyone was. I was shocked of course (turns out it was only one student who did this), even so now I understand why. He really is good and he loves his job that much I can see. Yet there are those who just don’t get that sense of humor and are just….nasty.
It makes me sick that’s what it does; I see a lot of good and respected teachers here and just wish people weren’t so ignorant that’s all.
Well time for Environmental Science, I’m really glad I’m getting back to my blog.
This is Yuna signing out~
Saturday, January 8, 2011
A Point of No Return
We all have had it happen, people important to us seem to be going for the stars but it feels like you are being left behind by them. You don't want to show your sadness though because you want what is best for them, but the hurt inside is always real. You would give anything to be with them again, just another moment or two to see them smile and hear them laugh....I have so many people I miss, the weight is piling up on me.
I knew this was coming too, I have known it since the beginning of my sophomore year, that many important people would be close to leaving. That's part of high school I always hated, you become close to people older than you and when they leave it sucks like you wouldn't believe. Is it really wrong to miss the people who you have made such wonderful friendships with?
Of course not, that's what it means to have people to care for, and they care for you in return.
But there is a problem with them being older too, they seem to be so close on their own and you being there is just like having a third wheel. As much as they accept you with open arms, you never felt like you belonged with them. You begin to question what they saw in you in the first place and suddenly all of these horrible thoughts race through your mind and you want it all to stop.
This, my readers, is what I have been feeling for a long time now.
This is what it feels like when your sense of security and and comfort is ripped from you by a simple fact. You want it all to be a dream, so you can come back to the reality that you really belong in. You want their words of kindness to be sugar coated lies to make you feel better. You want them to suddenly say they never want anything to do with you again and be done with it. You want to let them go with no strings attached so you aren't part of their memory. You want to be forgotten because when you already think you are, you would rather know that's the world you now live in and accept it.
But I know them better, they would never say that anyway.
I wish so bad that they would, even if one of my greatest fears is to be completely forgotten by the world. Maybe things would have been better if I never met them sometimes, I wonder what it would have been like. I might not be who I am now but...
This is what it means to love people, I have opened my heart to them and they took me as I am. I will always be grateful for that. I love them all like I never thought I could love before, they taught me how to love. I always will wish them the best of luck, it doesn't matter if they don't remember me later on. If they ever do decide to return though, I will always be at the usual place and always waiting.
I only have one wish now, I want to know what it truly means to be alone in the world.
I knew this was coming too, I have known it since the beginning of my sophomore year, that many important people would be close to leaving. That's part of high school I always hated, you become close to people older than you and when they leave it sucks like you wouldn't believe. Is it really wrong to miss the people who you have made such wonderful friendships with?
Of course not, that's what it means to have people to care for, and they care for you in return.
But there is a problem with them being older too, they seem to be so close on their own and you being there is just like having a third wheel. As much as they accept you with open arms, you never felt like you belonged with them. You begin to question what they saw in you in the first place and suddenly all of these horrible thoughts race through your mind and you want it all to stop.
This, my readers, is what I have been feeling for a long time now.
This is what it feels like when your sense of security and and comfort is ripped from you by a simple fact. You want it all to be a dream, so you can come back to the reality that you really belong in. You want their words of kindness to be sugar coated lies to make you feel better. You want them to suddenly say they never want anything to do with you again and be done with it. You want to let them go with no strings attached so you aren't part of their memory. You want to be forgotten because when you already think you are, you would rather know that's the world you now live in and accept it.
But I know them better, they would never say that anyway.
I wish so bad that they would, even if one of my greatest fears is to be completely forgotten by the world. Maybe things would have been better if I never met them sometimes, I wonder what it would have been like. I might not be who I am now but...
This is what it means to love people, I have opened my heart to them and they took me as I am. I will always be grateful for that. I love them all like I never thought I could love before, they taught me how to love. I always will wish them the best of luck, it doesn't matter if they don't remember me later on. If they ever do decide to return though, I will always be at the usual place and always waiting.
I only have one wish now, I want to know what it truly means to be alone in the world.
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